DEAR ERIC: A year ago, I had to have a procedure for a brain tumor. A very scary emotional roller coaster event. My best friend of 42 years, said, “Don’t worry; I will be with you every step of the way.” When the date and time were finally provided, I told her we have to be at the hospital at 6:30 a.m. Her response was “I can’t go then; I don’t get up until 9. I would have to call my daughter and see if I would hear the phone when she called me. I don’t have an alarm clock.” I was so taken aback, my friend who was going to be with me every step of the way was not going to make any effort to get up and go to the hospital with me. The day before the procedure, she called to say good luck and never called afterward to see how I was. Days later, she came over and I told her how I felt about everything. The friendship was over and after the hurt, I got angry and thought about the 42 years. I was the one who drove every time we went anywhere, I picked up the tab for meals, I was there to help her. She is very self-centered and always acts helpless. I do not feel any loss in this friendship. It cost me a lot of money to have her name removed from all my legal documents. My friends are split on this situation. Most say what she did is unforgivable. Others say I should forgive her and rebuild the friendship. Am I wrong to feel nothing about her and a 42-year friendship? I honestly can say I don’t miss her. – Former Friend Dear Friend: Every relationship, including friendships, has its seasons. True, sometimes – when we’re lucky – the weather in those seasons is balmy for a lifetime. At other times, we find that the season in which the relationship worked has come to an end and it’s healthy to step away. It sounds like you’re in the latter category right now. You’re not obligated to feel any particular way. What’s most important is that you are listening to your feelings, honoring them, and interrogating them. I would offer that a slight like the one you mentioned isn’t unforgivable if you choose to forgive it. But, again, you’re not obligated to forgive it if you don’t want to. It also appears that your friend hasn’t asked for forgiveness. The issues with your friendship aren’t limited to her not taking you to the hospital. It sounds like this is the straw that broke the camel’s back.
DEAR ERIC: I have a group of four close friends who met in college in the 1980s. Out of the five of us, two of the friends are married and their spouses are also invited when we get together. One spouse has integrated really well and the other, who is a nice person, has some significant medical issues and that’s basically all they ever talk about. Everyone came together right after COVID for the wedding of one of the group members. We all stayed together in an Airbnb, except the couple getting married. During this weekend, it was neverending with the medical issues talk. After the wedding, I sat down with his partner and the conversation started up with “medical/health stories.” I listened for a bit and then said, “Can we talk about something else? I know so little about your background and what you did and I’d love to talk about other things in your life.” We spent a good 30 minutes talking about their life, work history and other things before I ever met them which I appreciated. Since that time this person has never attended another group event and, via my college friend, puts the blame on me for them not participating and not feeling welcomed. I’ll be honest, since they’ve stopped coming, the annual gatherings have been wonderful. They are always invited and if they want to attend, it’s not me that’s holding them back. If they’re upset with me, then come to me and we can talk. Should I initiate a conversation? Call them and try to get them back to attending our gatherings? – Friend Group Dear Group: Your friend’s spouse can and should be responsible for their own social enjoyment. If they have a problem with you, they could have brought it up. But instead, they told at least one, maybe more people that they’re upset with you. That’s simply not productive. It’s gossip. If you actually want them to attend, sure, reach out and see about clearing the air. But it doesn’t seem like you do want them to attend. It’s fine to say nothing.
