DEAR ERIC: Over the past two years, I have buried both of my parents.
My place in the world going forward feels uncertain and untethered, but in reflecting on their lives and long, long marriage, I now see that everything we are, we have, and we do – to me – really only matters through the lens of story. From my earliest memory, I wanted to write. By middle school, I lost my way; I lost confidence. I’ve spent a 20+ -year career reading others’ writing, both for my own leisure and that of my students. While I regularly encourage my students to write and I champion and believe in their emerging voices and attempts, I can’t do the same for myself. At home, when I have free time, something stops me. I procrastinate, or I let my kids’ and my family’s obligations take up my entire day. I know I am a good writer. I know I can tell a good story, spin a good yarn, because I do it daily in my classes and lectures. I have good stories. How do I get started, Eric? How do I know what to tell and whose stories to tell? Just the good ones or the difficult ones, too? Can you help me get some clarity and encouragement to pick a direction and begin? I haven’t told anyone else about this deep longing, but I sense that you’re trustworthy. – Seeking Dear Seeking: I appreciate you putting your trust in me. It can be very difficult to put yourself out there creatively and it can be equally as difficult to maintain the momentum it takes to finish a project. So, don’t be too hard on yourself. Consider taking a class or a workshop, something that will ask you to show up – in person or online – and will give you deadlines. You might look specifically for a generative workshop, one where the instructor comes with prompts or assignments to get you thinking, so you’re not just staring at a blank page. The group expectations that come with a class can be helpful, but I think what’s even more helpful is the expectation that you place on yourself by showing up every week, even if you haven’t finished your piece or if you’re tired or busy. That’s really valuable information for your brain. It says, “this is important to me, even when I’m not totally in love with the process.” Also, I can’t say enough about the value of journaling. Even if one doesn’t ever want to publish or even have their writing read by someone else, a journal can be a wonderful tool for processing, for putting down thoughts that one doesn’t judge, and for remembering. If you don’t already have a journaling practice, please start. Even just a couple of lines a day. There was a period where I didn’t feel much like journaling, so I committed to just writing down what happened in a day, no commentary. Wouldn’t you know it, before long I had to add my two cents and my thoughts to these very dry lists. And from there, stories were born. I wish you luck.
DEAR ERIC: I have been married for more than 34 years. I keep telling my wife that I got the better part of the deal, but she insists that I am wrong. How do I resolve this conflict? – Lucky Man Dear Lucky: I get a wide variety of letters, reflecting a wide variety of situations. But I don’t think I’ve ever received a letter in which the problem was “I’m too happy; help.” So, thank you for that! (I hope this doesn’t come across as facetious. I really did appreciate this.) I think you and your wife should agree to disagree. You’re both lucky (and, not for nothing, you’re both putting in the work it takes to make a three-decade relationship joy-filled and life-giving). I sincerely hope that your biggest conflict is always the question of who feels luckiest.
