DEAR ERIC: I recently set boundaries with a friend who would vent to me about another friend of theirs, with whom I’m only barely acquainted. I asked them to stop processing this other friendship of theirs with me; it felt toxic. I told them I felt sad to spend the little time we have together talking about someone, when we could be talking with and supporting each other. My friend responded by cutting me off. They said that they felt not being able to process their other friendship with me felt oppressive. As far as I know, they don’t burden others over this toxic friendship, as they have burdened our friendship.I’ve been feeling sad and upset. I feel judged for setting a boundary. I feel relieved that I no longer need to hear about my friend’s toxic friendship. I am feeling shocked that my generally self-aware friend doesn’t realize they were using me for free therapy.I am grieving what feels like the end of a close friendship. I want to talk this over with them, but I’m respecting their boundary in the text they sent about not wanting to go back and forth on the matter. I want to maintain clarity in my friendships and not to talk about people when they’re not present. I’m having a sad time with the grief of this loss, and I need to talk about it, yet can’t work through it directly with my friend. I have safe spaces to grieve, and I will turn there. I wonder if you have any helpful insights to shed light on this situation. – Dumped On, Then Dumped Dear Dumped On, Then Dumped: Your letter paints a picture of someone (you) who is quite emotionally aware, who has resources and options for processing, and who is interested in taking responsibility for what’s on your side of the street. This is what we all should aspire to. And it’s no wonder that your friend saw you as such a great person to talk to. But it also sounds like your friend doesn’t have many of these qualities yet. Hence their response. Now, there’s a world where your friend feels that you’ve changed the rules of the friendship with your ask. Your friend may think what makes your friendship special is that they can talk about this so-called toxic other friendship with you. But friendship is a meadow that we meet in the middle of. The middle is a wide place; it’s not always 50/50. But if one person is standing on one side saying, “Come over here,” it’s not going to work. Ask yourself what your expectations and hopes are. In an ideal world, you’d be able to have a mature, selfaware conversation with your friend. Part of your grief may involve acknowledging that you also had an expectation of your friendship that didn’t meet reality. You’re not wrong for holding your boundary or wanting a healthier dynamic, but you’ll find some freedom in also releasing your friend from this expectation.
