DEAR ERIC: My husband has dementia; it’s getting worse by the month. I am the caregiver. Our daughter calls on her way home from work. Our son calls several times a week. They have been my rock. I lean on them and rely on their excellent advice and strong shoulders. Our 55th wedding anniversary is several days before Christmas. Because of the type of dementia my husband has, he cannot speak or understand speech. Reading and writing skills are diminished. A celebration would be difficult to impossible for guests and family members because of his type of dementia.I thought a dinner cruise would be a wonderful compromise. I floated it by my daughter only to find out that her husband’s family is planning a trip to Hawaii during that time to spread ashes for his nephew’s wife. My son and family could come, but it’s not the whole family. Plus, there’s Christmas without my daughter. We’ve always had a pinky swear that we’d be together. Am I being selfish? – Sad Christmas Dear Christmas: You’re not. This is a hard situation all around. But it’s not impossible. What you want, it seems, is to feel supported by your kids during a painful time, and to find a way to commemorate your marriage while taking into consideration your husband’s comfort. So, let’s back up from logistics and work from a place of open communication. It may get you further. Talk to both of your kids about what you’d like to feel at Christmas. Acknowledge that everyone’s lives pull them in different directions, especially at the holidays. And see if you can, together, come up with a plan. It may feel like your daughter has chosen a different branch of her family tree over yours, or broken a promise, but I’d encourage you to think of it as a logistical logjam, made up of good intentions, rather than an intentional slight.In this conversation, don’t be afraid to be honest with your kids about concerns you have, if any, about the pressure time and illness put on you to make something special happen soon. This isn’t to guilt them, but rather to say, “this is where I’m coming from; this is the track that’s playing in the back of my mind.”Christmas doesn’t have to happen on Christmas. Are you open to the idea of a dinner cruise a week or two earlier, or later? You’d still be able to celebrate Christmas Day with your son’s family – and it’s important to have love and support on that day. But you may find the special occasion you want is a little more flexible than it currently seems.
