A former foster youth who stayed at Youth Crisis Center in Parsons spoke to foster youth and others last week about hope and transformation.
AByah Eteeyan, 47, spoke at the Arvon Phillips Community Center a week ago. The event was sponsored by YCC, the Second Chance Education Center, Successful Dreams and Life Choices.
Earnest Moreland, owner of YCC, said when he first saw Eteeyan arrive at YCC, when Eteeyan was 15, he knew things would be difficult.
“His first day when he walked through those doors, it was a challenge, trust me. It was a challenge,” Moreland said.
But Moreland stood with Eteeyan, supported him and guided him through the years, in good times and bad, and continued for many years after he left YCC. That friendship and mentorship has meant a lot, Eteeyan said.
Eteeyan shared his story and asked the youth questions during his presentation, making it interactive, personal.
Eteeyan said he grew up in a dysfunctional family, like many of the youth attending. His dad was in prison. His mom was not around. He took care of himself, fell into gang life.
“I thought I knew something. I thought I knew everything and wasn’t nobody going to tell me what I was going to do, right?”
He said Moreland watches the youth in his charge at YCC. He and his staff offer guidance, leadership. At the time, he didn’t realize it, but he soon learned that guidance (make your bed, go to school, etc.) was to help prepare them for life outside of foster care.
See SPEAKER, Page 3.
When Eteeyan left YCC at 16, he wanted to do what he wanted. Outside, he found there were many choices and he made the wrong ones: friends, activities, music.
By age 20, he was booked into the Shawnee County Jail for felony murder and eventually pleaded to second degree murder.
He is now off probation and parole and has been sober for 19 months.
Time in custody made him reflect on his life, and he found the Bible and drank its wisdom.
He told the youth that in their living situations, someone is always there to look out for them, keep them out of trouble, to care about them, just as Moreland did for him.
“One of these days, Earnest isn’t going to be there. And then what are you going to do when you get back home, back into your communities and people are offering you drugs?”
Some attending the event admitted that they had used drugs and had been hanging around others who did the same. They shared bad habits, including crime.
He asked if any of those attending were involved in gangs as he was. One youth said he was a CRIP but is not now.
“The thing about joining a gang is you’re going to have to put in some work, right? Have you asked yourself if you want to go to prison? Is that where you wanna go? No, you don’t want to go to prison, but that’s what it leads up to,” Eteeyan said.
His gang membership led to the situation when he killed another man after a fight broke out. His best friend at the time then rolled on him.
Eteeyan said the loyalty of gang members and friends you do drugs with ends when you go before a judge.
“All that loyalty is out the window.”
He said he was stabbed in prison, an act that his best friend from the gang witnessed and did nothing about.
“This is supposed to be my home boy. This is supposed to be my friend,” Eteeyan said.
He said he was glad the young man who spoke determined that gang life was not for him and applauded his decision. But there are other ways to get into trouble without gang membership.
The youth told Eteeyan that when parents are absent growing up, for whatever reason, “You feel like you’re lonely. You think you’re by yourself.”
Eteeyan said he knew that pain.
“There’s a pain that goes on inside of your heart, like why am I even living? So, we all face that same pain together, right? I understand it because that’s what happened to me. But this is how I learned how to deal with it.”
He said drugs were the first things that made him feel good, but that feeling was fleeting, no matter the drug he used. Many attending the event agreed when Eteeyan said friends you get high with aren’t your friends. They stick around as long as you have drugs that they can use.
He said choices have consequences. Making bad decisions while high can lead to crime, prison, death. His brother was also hanging around the wrong people, and he was killed this year.
Another person, a friend of Eteeyan’s, spoke about the prison of addiction and his journey to sobriety. The Bible helped guide him, too.
Eteeyan also talked about music, specifically rap music that has a message of hatred, violence, destructive and selfish behavior. He said when you put that music into your head, it’s only a matter of time before you act it out.
He asked how many of the kids wanted to go to prison or die from drugs. None did, of course. Everyone agreed they wanted to live.
“So how do we get to the part of survival?” Eteeyan asked.
He spoke to the kids about their goals for life and their careers. One kid likes computer coding. One liked to rap. One wanted to be a mechanic, another a nurse.
“That’s the biggest thing is trying to figure out what we want to do with our life,” he said.
Having someone in your corner when navigating these decisions is key, as well as avoiding people who do bad things. But focusing on a career or life goal helps youth make the right choices. Some youth agreed that people who don’t plan or have goals usually end up doing dumb things.
Eteeyan also encouraged the kids not to use the excuse of their upbringing for their behavior.
“If we have a goal and we’re trying to get somewhere, it will keep us from looking back where we came from, right?” Eteeyan said.
He said he now has healthy relationships, including his special lady, and friends he trusts, including Moreland and Fred Ricley, who also spoke last week. He said he uses these friendships to guide him through life to this day.
“One thing I realized is I can’t deal with me on my own. I can’t do it. I need some help. I’ll be the first one in this room to say, ‘Hey, I need some help.’ That’s just the truth, because once … that judge gets hold of you, there ain’t no reset button. There ain’t nothing to start this game over. It’s a bunch of consequences to come along with your choices,” Eteeyan said.
The Bible also gave him guidance and direction. He said in his earlier years, he would ride the fence, with one foot on one side and one on the other.
“Life doesn’t work that way, does it? Either you’re all in or you’re all out. Either you try to do the right thing or you’re not, but the thing I learned is that when Earnest didn’t catch me, who was I playing? Was I playing Earnest? No. I was playing myself? Right,” Eteeyan said.
Ricley spoke passionately about his faith in God and the guidance it gives him in his daily and family life. He had good parents growing up, but he made bad choices and got caught up with the wrong people. The grace of God helped him turn his life around.
He has had many things happen to him since that time, including cancer and a vehicle accident in which a semi ran over his legs, and still he’s here.
He now drives a school bus and takes in and mentors foster youth. Working with kids has been a blessing to him, he said. He also works with parents to discuss how their decisions and choices impacted their children.
God offers him a power and spirit, and he turns his life over to his God every day. Every person in the room that day was a pearl, a valuable pearl, he said.
“There’s a power that can take you through anything you guys will ever go through in your life,” Ricley said.
Eteeyan encouraged the youth in attendance to do things their staff tell them to do. Work toward change. Don’t be argumentative. Treat other people well. The staff’s directives and suggestions are trying to teach them life skills they need once they are outside of the foster care or group home setting.
Moreland wrapped up the talk. He told the kids attending that they are privileged to have the staff working with them and trying to help and guide them. He told them to remember those youth who are still wandering the streets without that same safety net and guidance. He said his caring ways are free.
“We don’t need your permission to care for you. You’re going to get it anyway,” Moreland said. Even when youth argue with him, he talks to them again when they are calmer. Every kid in his charge gets the same opportunities, the same care, the same guidance.
“I’m still going to be there doing the same thing.”
He was thankful that Eteeyan survived. For Eteeyan to survive everything that life threw at him means something, and he has wisdom to share with youth today.
“I knew God wanted him around,” Moreland said.
